Friday, August 12, 2011

Distressed in Astoria

Beautiful and I were in Astoria and passed an insurance brokerage. This is the painting on their window. Let's review the possible insurance needs for this family:

What if your husband unexpectedly grows a head out of his armpit?

What if your brother-husbands suddenly start bleeding uncontrollably?

What if a distressed woman appears in bed with you and your life partner?

What's the gecko going to do?

Friday, July 15, 2011

Why the BBC is Actually the Best New Source

"An Austrian atheiest has won the right to to be shown on his driving-license photo wearing a pasta strainer as 'religious headgear'" He said that "the sieve was a requirement of his religion,pastafarianism."

Here is the link to prove that this is for reals...

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Why $15 a Month for the NYT Might be a Sound Investment

I used to read the NYTimes on line "cover to cover" daily. Like a good NY liberal I also listened to NPR and read El Diario. But now that the Times requires a subscription, I look elsewhere. Like Yahoo. Here's a sample (the pic and all the info swiped directly from Yahoo) of the "news" they offer from one article linking human leprosy to armadillos...

"DNA tests show a match in the leprosy strain between some patients and these prehistoric-looking critters — a connection scientists had suspected but until now couldn't pin down."

Better living through chemistry?

"The risk of getting leprosy from an armadillo is low"


"DNA samples were taken from 33 wild armadillos in Arkansas, Alabama, Louisiana, Mississippi and Texas, where they're sometimes referred to as "hillbilly speed bumps" because they're often run over by cars."


"Of the 15 patients for whom researchers had information, seven said they had no contact with armadillos; eight said they did, including one who routinely hunted and ate them."

"Leave the animals alone," advised lead researcher Richard Truman of the National Hansen's Disease Programs.

Yup. Leave them alone.

"I would not cuddle armadillos," said Dr. Warwick Britton of the University of Sydney in Australia, who had no connection with the study.

Seriously, leave them alone.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Queens Pride 2011!

Pride 2011 was AWESOME. Great friends, good food, dancing, love, energy.

Thursday, June 2, 2011


Actual quote from a co-worker:

"I have a machete in my car and a knife in my pocket."

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Standard Response

Here are some sample conversations with my mom:

Mom: What did you do yesterday?
Me: I went to the park with the Varmints
Mom: Dullsville

or another

Mom: How was class?
Me: It was great! We practiced controlled take-downs
Mom: Sounds awful.
Me: No, it was awesome. I learned a lot.
Mom: Dullsville

You get the idea. Imagie my surprise when I saw 7 across.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Dear Ativan

Dear Ativan,

I love you. I don't mean in a "who's your buddy, who's your pal?" kind of way. I love you like I would give you a kidney. Like I would leave you my 403b. LikeI would shave my cha cha for you (sorry MK.)

Because if she didn't start taking it again I was going to start shooting heroin, probably directly into my eyes (sorry again MK) and then I would have to write a different letter - several different letters - as I was working my steps.

Oh Ativan, you are a miracle.

And to be fair, 2 1/2 years is a very long time, and it is an awful, awful, awful way to slowly die. And if I were in that position I don't know that I'd do much better. But I would take my fucking Ativan!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Email From a Potential Date

Hey Elena,

How are you? I think you are really cute. Let's go out sometime, we could do something really fun. I have a mango in my pants.

-Mr. X

Really? Seriously? Wha?

Saturday, May 14, 2011

You've Heard of Home Schooling?

Well, this is what home chemo looks like...

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Blowpop Samurai

Today, I killed a wasp in my office with a watermelon blowpop. I am an effing Ninja. No me jodas.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Morning Commute

The Seven train holds a special place in my heart. So much of my life has been spent on it, from the old Redbirds to the current R62As. Seven train riders are, by far, the most ineresting people (except for those Park Slope transplants in their skinny jeans and Waldo glasses who recently moved to Sunnyside.) Do you ever play that game where you guess where someone is going to get off and stand near them o you can get their seat? Me too.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011


Benny, our office dog, gazes out the window.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Yesterday I was driving home and what did I see on the entrance ramp to the highway?

A) Dead deer
B) Scary Clown
C) Ginormous dildo

If you picked the sex toy, you would be right.

Then, I saw this on damnyouautocorrect:

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Cake Pop

How can you tell a quality individual? They know how to put cake on a stick. Jazzergirl brought in cake pops - chocolatey fabulousness. (And look at her cool nail color!)

Friday, April 22, 2011

Shared Brain Trust

I think of Heidi as the best kind of family - funny, sane, and permanent.

I told her about the paper roasted shankbone on my mom's seder plate and look what she showed me from her seder plate......

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Lo! This is the Bread of Affliction.

Pesach, 5771 aka 2011. My mom made a fake seder where we read a few passages from the hagaddah, including, of course, the description of the seder plate:

Where is the roasted shank bone?


Friday, April 15, 2011

Nut Cracker

Do not ef with my mom.

This was taken in February when she still had hair. But do not let her current baldness fool you. She won't hesitate to use this. And if you don't have 'nads, she will beat you with it.

But seriously, her tenacity is astonishing. She has been fighing for two years, and like others in her situation, she gets up every morning and subjects herself to chemo, needles, scans, medication, medication to quell the side effects of the first medication...

Cancer and Karate have a lot in common, except that "Karate begins and ends with respect." Cancer? Definitely not.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Sunset in Jackson Heights

Shout out to my writing group.

I keep finding that the song lyric "what good's a place to stand up, without a place to fall" applies to so many places in my life. It is nice to have a dojo and a writing community where I can try new things with varying results - good, bad, other. In these two places, my teachers and peers offer criticicsm with honesty and integrity. Gracias!

Thursday, April 7, 2011


View from Alvez' window with 4 of my favorite peeps behind me.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Three Hands

At the Brooklyn Museum last night I saw this and it just looked strange. why would he rather hold his own thumb than her hand?

Friday, April 1, 2011

Not Minor, Miner!

Jazzergirl is leaving for Argentina and I asked her to go next door and bring me home a miner. Yesterday she asked for clarification: a minor, or a miner? Ay carajo!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Her Mental Health is Better Than I Thought

Oh Mary Katherine will be wearing her lucky shoes until...let's face it, until Kentucky goes all the way. But what about next year? For the record, I should publically acknowlege that MK is always right, so why would this be any different? Once again...go Kentucky...

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Add "Pink Sneakers" to the List of Things That Compromise Mary Katherine's Mental Health

We know that the word "fan" originates from "fanatic." Mary Katherine is a "fan" of the Kentucky men's Basketball Team. Call it hometown layalty. She believes that wearing her lucky shoes caused them to win the other day. So she slept in them. The woman slept in her shoes. We know that Al Gore once caused her to go insane, as did a temporary bout of PTSD. But sneakers? Go Kentucky....

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Universe Sends Me Very Strange Messages

I was writing an email to my system admin guy at work. Te juro I did not write anything in the subject line. Somehow this showed up. What does it mean????????

Monday, March 21, 2011

Leg Lump

Forgot to share this:

Several weeks ago I went out dancing with E-Man, Naph and Monte. We got back to Naph's place and as I was sitting on his couch, I felt a big, weird lump on my leg, right above my knee on the inside - like my inner thigh. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. Well........I must have worn the jeans when it was cold because I found a pair of balled-up tights. So then what? I had to fold then neatly and hide them in my boot.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

5 a Day

Do you know what this is?

Hint: I took this pic at the library (paperback fiction section, as you can see)

I guess we could say it is the produce section of the library.

People...really? What "food rule" is this!?!?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Carrier Monkeys

I had quite the weekend: date w E-man on Friday night, Saturday spent with Heidi and Nach's varmints, then filming self defense demo for Channel 4 news, then dancing with Mouse 'til 5am.

So of course I am coming down with a nasty cold.

Me to MK: Blarg, I am getting sick. I probably caught it from one of your kids.
MK: My kids!? What about the carrier monkeys you spent your weekend with?
Me: Hmmm. I only made out with one of them.
MK (yelping): What? That's horrible! I meant Heidi's kids!
Me: In that case, I didn't make out with any of them. That's gross.

Necesito el Bano!

How many times have we discussed this? Yeesh. Typically the bathrooms at my job are missing one of the important elements in the bathroom trifecta: tp, soap, paper towels. Now, I realize that there is really a necessary quartet: having some light really helps.

Last night the bathroom on the third floor was out of order. The one on the first floor, which is essentially a closet, had no light. So I dared do the unthinkable - I went into the Big Boss's office (he was gone for the night) to use his special executive bathroom. I COULD NOT FIND THE LIGHTSWITCH. But by that time I had run from the 3rd floor to the 1st to the 2nd and my next choice to pee either in the planter by the front door or in the birdbath in the yard.

So I used my cellphone as a flashlight in the Boss's office.

I am ready for my promotion.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Just Like Me!

MaryKatherine was picking through a bag of cereal very carefully, inspecting each morsel before she found those suitable for eating.

Me: "What are you doing?!"
MK: "Like you, I prefer the little, dark ones."


Sunday, February 27, 2011


We received an advertisement in the mail for this workshop. Imagine seeing that on someone's resume? "Hi, I'm a Certified ScrumMaster." Gross. Better to be a Notary Public.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

How to Vet a Date

Thanks, google images!
First, read this.

Then, ask you date, "Hey, did you hear that crazy story about the Dora the Explorer DVD?" If they haven't, give them the details and be sure to mention the title of the wayward video.

There may be several responses, including:
Depending on your personal preferences, your date's answer will give you lots of great information about how you might want to proceed with the relationship. And how much lube you'll need.

Monday, February 21, 2011

I am Missing the "Zebra" and "Romance" Connection...

I represent my job at bi-monthly meetings for housing providers, which are held at the Senior Center in the projects. I arrived really early to the last meeting and grabbed a cheesy paperback to read.

When people started coming in I got embarrassed and shoved the book in my bag. The gem above was attached to the middle of the book. Look how bendy she is! And how effortlessly he carries her - like a loaf of bread, or a violin. I really like his cargo pants.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

A Lady in the Street and a Warrior in the Dojo - Apparently Not

Sensei and I were walking home from the dojo. It was beautiful out so we just had our sweatshirts and backpacks. My ponytail bounced and my face was still a little pink from class. Sensei is 6' to my 5'4" and he outweighs me by a full 100 lbs. All that to say that, at the very least, by comparison, I've got to look a little bit girly.

The Ready, Willing, and Able guy looked at us and said,

"Good Morning, gentlemen."

Thursday, February 17, 2011

A Nopal by Any Other Name

Mary Katherine, Jazzergirl, and I were in the bodega. Jazzergirl and I were discussing V-8 and mustard when...

Mary Katherine: "Ouch! I touched it bit me!"

Me: "What did you touch?"

MK: "This...."

Me: "Nopales? You're surprised you got stuck by nopales?"

MK: "What are they?" (As she's looking at the spines sticking out of her palm)

Me: "Uh....cactus...."

MK, showing us the spines: "I was going to take them out, but I wanted to show you."

It is important here to note that I am just a quirky city girl of average intelligence. I rely on MK to be smarter than me. Maybe it's an unfair burden, but apparently, that's her lot in life. Having said that, I am worried that she didn't recognize the cactus - it is so very...cactus-y.

It has been determined that Mary Katherine has PTSD, which explains a lot, but not everything. The rest of it can be explained in MK's own words, "I am cloudy in the head." I think she is insane in the membrane.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Sweetest Valentine's Day Ever!

Thank you for an amazing V-Day!

There is no place I would have rather been and nothing I would have rather been doing.

My heart is full.

Friday, February 4, 2011


I don't know about y'all, but I feel WONDERFUL!

How did I get so lucky!!!????


Tuesday, February 1, 2011



How often do you think about your liver?
Well, think about it now.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Three's A Crowd

The guy in the new 99c store tried to explain to me why men need two wives. "It is an ugly fact that 95% of all men cheat, so it is better to have two wives so they don't have to cheat." I considered it for a bit. I suggested a counter idea: Women should have two husbands so that when one cheats, she still has a spare after she's killed the cheater.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Peace Out, Cub Scout

Whew! Glad that's over with!