Monday, March 30, 2009

Message in a Bottle...sorta

I got new dishes. They are neither hand-me-downs nor remnants from you-know-what and I love them. As I slowly unfurled each bit of packaging to prepare for recycling, look what I found! I have no idea what it means (all you smarty-pants out there, I'm waiting for you.)

I like to think it means, "hey, don't worry, we were paid a fair wage and offered a generous health care package", but I suspect this is Chinese (I'm so sorry, y'all - I know what Korean block lettering looks like, but honestly, I have no facility with non-romance/germanic languages) and that likely means its not a message meant to ease my middle class guilt.

Anyway, until I know for sure, I will imagine all the possibilities. I invite you to imagine along with me!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Too Big to Fail

By Lisa Kahane from the NYT

How is that we can tolerate spending trillions - trillions, people - can you even wrap your head around that? of dollars bailing out banks and financial institutions because they are too big to fail. But we have easily tolerated the failure of neighborhoods, communities of people, the education of our children, and, of course, more. We were told that we couldn't, as a nation, afford universal health care that isn't tied to employment. That meaningful investment in affordable housing was out of our financial reach. We can't provide comprehensive mental health services for the mentally ill, including vets. You know I could go on. I hope you could go on, too.

Damn, give me a trillion - a billion - a million! dollars and I'll buy you some outcomes. Seriously. Get me Ke'Shawn Hill from Greyston, Karl Bertrand, the people at Brotherhood Sister Sol, and a billion dollars and we will change the world. Shit.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Mrs. A is Jealous

I know at least two people, Mrs. A and Mary Katherine Christiansen, who are in their cars right now, driving to Sunnyside to get one of these. What color would you pick?

My only concern here is the shoulder nub. It is really disturbing.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

When We Say Ozo

You say Matli! Ozo - Matli - Ozo - Matli

Awesome at the Filmore last night. And I met T's bf for the first time. What a great guy!

That said, the crowd was definitely off. Who on earth goes to an Ozo show to start a fight? People, handle your alcohol and don't hit my friends!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


She seems so wistful...melancholy. Why is blue eyeshadow so popular on these decapitated hair model heads? Remember this one? And I just love the headliner. Are all you graphic artists out there swooning over the arced lettering over the guy's head?

Saturday, March 14, 2009


In this post I told you about the Oven Mitt Saga. Now roosters are following me. Btw, there is follow up: upon reviewing this story with crazy 'ole mom she said, "I never said garlic was ridiculous. I would never have said that. I didn't say that...did I?"

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Back Off - I Got Peeps (aka Dora La Luchadora)

In case you didn't know, I have a Luchadora named A-Mem who travels with me to keep me safe. She has a cache of weapons, including the deadly spiked clip which she keeps handy at all times. We don't mess around.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Would it be Wrong?

You know on Facebook there is that column on the right - "people you might know?" Would it be wrong if I sent one of those people a note that said, "are you the same JS that was bleeding from the ass because of really bad hemorrhoids in high school and JJ had to drive you to the hospital but he didn't want you bleeding on his Volkswagon Scirocco so he made you sit inside a garbage bag?" Would that be wrong? Oh. Oh well. So then I guess I shouldn't friend him because there is nothing else I have to say to him.

And because I can't spell, I had to use to write the word "hemorrhoid." There was an ad that said "God's hemorrhoid relief." The link was broken.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Roosters in the Devil's Playground

Back when I was first introduced to the internet, my mom referred to it as "the devil's playground." Then she realized I could buy her bath towels on special with no sales tax and free shipping. She now refers to the internet as "the computer"and sometimes ask me to "look in the computer" for things.

For things like oven mitts. And the conversation always starts with...

"I was wondering..."


"I need new oven mitts. Can you look in the computer? I have the SKU number of the ones I want"

Are you getting this? My mother has kept the SKU number of her oven mitts. Aren't there 40 stores in a 3 mile radius that carry oven mitts? But no, she needs these specific oven mitts.

I google the number. Nothing.

"Try the brand name" she says.

Oven mitts have brand names?

So I find the website for the company and give her the customer service number. Several days pass...

"I was wondering..."


"The oven mitt company said that they sell retail in Brooklyn and Manhattan, and we're not going there. Can you look in the computer?"

...Google, google, google...

"Ok, Ma, here are your choices -"

"I want medium blue"

"They don't have medium blue. There are pretty flowers"


"There is a set with roosters"

"Roosters????!!!! Those are filthy animals! Why would I want filthy roosters?"

"Ma, actual roosters will not come to your house to remove hot items from your oven."

"Ach. No roosters"

Maybe she thinks they will jump off the oven mitt and animate, like Pinnoccio.

"OK, there are ones with pictures of garlic.

"Garlic? That's ridiculous."

"Then I guess the flowers are fine?"

"Order me 4"

And I think, 4? Hands and feet? No. She tells me, "What if one wears out?" More likely, what if she sets one on fire, but that's another post entirely. Though I can see that 4 can be helpful - she can use 2 to catch the roosters in her kitchen.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Obnoxious Soap

OK, so its not the soap that's obnoxious, but the copywriter/advertiser. "50% more than 25oz. Brands" How come it doesn't say, "More yellow than green brands" "Soapier than lava" "Denser than a cotton ball" Yeesh.

Or maybe it should say, "if you bought this because its 50% more than 25oz. brands, you're 80% dumber than a rock."

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Shock the Monkey

Swiped right from the NYTimes.

I love animals and I don't eat them.

I love monkeys (and chimps) and I don't date them...anymore.

Just read these excerpts from the NYT article and then YOU decide if primates make good roommates:

"On one occasion, they got in a wrestling match, and Higgins put one of his “steel-like fingernails” through Bob’s scrotum."

"After Benjamin bit off two of his own diseased toes..."

and finally, this gem (you might wanna look away of you're squeemish)

“All of a sudden I feel a severe pain on the right side of my mouth and then I felt something dripping down my face,” Ms. Harrison says. “And there was all this blood, and I look over at Mikey [the chimp] and here he had my tooth in his hand, roots and all. He had pulled my tooth out with one finger.”

Folks, stick with those stinky ferrets.