Roosters in the Devil's Playground

Back when I was first introduced to the internet, my mom referred to it as "the devil's playground." Then she realized I could buy her bath towels on special with no sales tax and free shipping. She now refers to the internet as "the computer"and sometimes ask me to "look in the computer" for things.

For things like oven mitts. And the conversation always starts with...

"I was wondering..."

"Yesssss..."

"I need new oven mitts. Can you look in the computer? I have the SKU number of the ones I want"

Are you getting this? My mother has kept the SKU number of her oven mitts. Aren't there 40 stores in a 3 mile radius that carry oven mitts? But no, she needs these specific oven mitts.

I google the number. Nothing.

"Try the brand name" she says.

Oven mitts have brand names?

So I find the website for the company and give her the customer service number. Several days pass...

"I was wondering..."

"Yessss...."

"The oven mitt company said that they sell retail in Brooklyn and Manhattan, and we're not going there. Can you look in the computer?"

...Google, google, google...

"Ok, Ma, here are your choices -"

"I want medium blue"

"They don't have medium blue. There are pretty flowers"

"Meh."

"There is a set with roosters"

"Roosters????!!!! Those are filthy animals! Why would I want filthy roosters?"

"Ma, actual roosters will not come to your house to remove hot items from your oven."

"Ach. No roosters"

Maybe she thinks they will jump off the oven mitt and animate, like Pinnoccio.

"OK, there are ones with pictures of garlic.

"Garlic? That's ridiculous."

"Then I guess the flowers are fine?"

"Order me 4"

And I think, 4? Hands and feet? No. She tells me, "What if one wears out?" More likely, what if she sets one on fire, but that's another post entirely. Though I can see that 4 can be helpful - she can use 2 to catch the roosters in her kitchen.